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Friday, March 29, 2013

The shameless marketing of Sloths....

Hello Gentle Readers,

You know, Steve my passive-aggressive Dalek roommate pointed out to me the other day, it's been a while since I used my blog for shameless marketing. Specifically here. I may have done shameless plugs elsewhere, but Steve can't remember them. Though, to be fair, he prefers Tumblr over my blog.

And discounted sandwiches.

So, I thought "What better way to celebrate Good Friday then with shameless marketing?" This couldn't possibly be a bad idea. 

Santa Sloth approved!

I feel like everyone just knows me as that zany humor guy. The one who does all those silly photos on Facebook. But, see, I'm more then that. I'm complicated ya'll! I got four books under my belt. Well, technically they're under my suspenders, but that's because I have no butt. If I wear a belt, my pants just slip off. Instead I wear suspenders that make me look like I'm wearing clown pants. 

I also have a hammock.
 
I write murder mysteries, mostly. Well, cozy mysteries specifically. See, cozy mysteries are meant to be lighthearted and fun mysteries. I write those. This may come as a shock to you. 




This is what I imagine sloths look like driving to the store Saturday morning, 
picking up a half gallon of milk and some bananas. Sloths love bananas.

My first book The Five Santas introduces the world to private investigator Dan Landis, the smarmy detective with a heart of gold and day-glo green socks (he likes for his socks to have personality). It's in this book that Dan finds the body of Santa stuffed behind a dumpster. One body leads to another, and eventually Dan has a serious mystery on his hands. This book also introduces readers to Dan's extended family. Abbey, Dan's partner in crime, and an Art History doctoral student. Gary the police detective who has a love-hate relationship with Dan. Julianne, Dan's sister and Gary's wife, who is also the most successful defense attorney on the East Coast. And rounding out this little group are Professor Leroy "Doc" Brown, Dan's sometime traveling companion and friend, and Bernadette Wilkins, MD the only woman who can make Dan blush. 


And that's not even counting the Cowboy, the mysterious redheaded woman 
or the guy who may or may not be the real Santa Claus.

That book inevitably leads to book two The Cult of Koo Kway where Dan, while driving a grumpy hungover cowboy to jail, has a flashback to when he met Abbey. A lot of people get confused about the flashback in that book. Presumably because I didn't wave my arms around and go "Doowadup Doowadup Doowadup" and the pages get all fuzzy. That book has Dan discovering that the Gullah people are a real thing, getting beat-up a lot, and making a new friend. Both books set-up stuff for book three. 

Also, someone keeps trying to kill Dan. 

Book three is due out in the Fall. It's called The Gray Ghost Inn. I will be posting excerpts on the book as we get closer. Book four, Racing the Storm, will probably come out 2014. Because life happens. 

I don't actually have an answering machine. That voice you hear is Steve. 
He just screams my messages back at me. And then grumbles about how 
I never buy pen and paper so that he can write a message down. He grumbles a lot.

I have the plans laid out for thirteen Dan Landis books. I'm breaking it up into three four-book arcs. Plus the final book. I was going to call the final book Dan Landis and the Deaf Hollers but J.K. Rowling's lawyers said "No." Actually they didn't say anything. Steve intercepted the letter, because he's been submitting Luna/Neville slash fiction hoping to make it canon. He calls them Luville. My passive-aggressive Dalek roommate's got an OTP ya'll. 

And now you will read "My Immortal" in the voice of Steve. 

I think that I will know that I have truly made it, if someone writes Dan Landis fan fiction. Or, if I can just afford a swimming pool in the shape of Dan Landis. 

This is not Dan Landis. But, this was one of the few photos I could find
of Chris Winters with pants on. 
 
As always, I look forward to the future, to the continuing growth of my readership, and my continuing improvement as a writer. If you like what you've seen here, please feel free to tell your friends, pick up a copy of my book or send me a note. You can find me all over the interwebs. 
 
Where I chillax. 

And in conclusion, allow me to leave you with my favorite Sloth Photo. 


 
   

Jay Mims owns a hat, and drinks far too much Dr. Pepper. His goal in life is to one day snuggle with a sloth, assuming that sloths snuggle. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013. Feel free to email him here. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for a regular dose of Mimsey.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Les Mimsey

Hello Gentlereaders,

So, I had some time on my hands and decided to catch up on this fun and exciting musical everyone keeps telling me about. That's right peeps, I went with Les Misérables

Pictured: Fun for the whole family

In all fairness, I was vaguely aware of what this story was about. I mean, I knew there was this guy Jean Claude Van Damme and he was being hunted by Xavier...



Not remotely true, but can you imagine that movie?

So yes, I finally saw the movie of one of the most adapted stories ever. No joke, in the last twenty-five years, there have been EIGHT MOVIES! And that's not including the ripoffs, homages, and adaptations. Including one of my favorite Terry Pratchett novels. 




So yes, I finally dreamed a dream. I hear the people sing. I saw the Castle On a Cloud. I am the Master of the House. I...something something lovely ladies. 

 This is not the wacky adventure film promised by 
having Catwoman, Gladiator and Wolverine on the poster!

About halfway through, right after Catwoman dies (spoilers?)...I began to wonder if this movie wouldn't be a whole lot better, if Wolverine and Gladiator had just admitted their love for each other. Maybe sang a little ditty, and drove off together at the end in a flying convertible....


Yeah, every time Javier opens his mouth, try not to think 
"You are the one I want! O! Oo! Ooo!"
 
Jay Mims has been singing "Master of the House" for the past twenty-four hours. He collects spores, mold and fungus. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.
 












Monday, March 18, 2013

Moving down the yellow brick road....

Hello Gentle Readers,

As you know, I really enjoy movies. Well, you may not actually know this, but since I've just told you, now you know.






And I really love any and all things related to the Wizard of Oz. Seriously, I had that movie memorized as a child, and ended up wearing out our VHS copy of the TV broadcast. Yeah, we were pirates in those days.


There are like three people in my 
audience who knows what these guys are.
And they all now have that song stuck in their head.
I even loved Return to Oz. Actually, if you've ever read the books, are a fan of esoteric films, or just want to see some good old fashioned child endangerment, you should totally watch that movie. 

Seriously, this film is like 60% crazy, 30% heartwarming
and 20% Fairuza Balk falling from high places. 
Also, I'm bad at math.

So, it was with great enthusiasm that I went to see Oz the Great and Powerful. And, if I'm being honest, I.....LOVED IT!

And would gladly see Hot Green Mila Kunis: The Movie
Actually, everyone was wonderful in that movie. I even loved the Bruce Campbell cameo. You know, that time where he was sarcastic and got beat-up. 

Clockwise from L-R: Harry Osborn, that chick from The Mummy
Meg and the former Mrs. Heath Ledger

There were lots of nice little touch's  for hardcore Oz fans, including cameos by the Scarecrow and the Cowardly lion, plus having the Winkies (the Oh-Wee-Oh soldiers) named.

But, seriously, if this movie had been Bruce Campbell: Sarcastic Soldier 
I would have given them ALL THE MONEY!
And the plot, while predictable, was genuinely enjoyable. There was character development, a lot of great visuals, and some logical developments as to why The Wizard does the things he does. 
And let's be honest, this isn't the first time James Franco's head 
has been completely encased in smoke.

However, for me the highlight of this flick has to be Zach Braff, who plays The Wizard of Oz's hapless assistant in Kansas, and then his monkey assistant in Oz. And he has a bell hop uniform. And he is adorable. No lie, I would have gladly watched an entire movie where Zach Braff is a monkey bellhop. Maybe pair him with a kid for maximum effect. Wait a minute...

THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!

Jay Mims was hoping at some point the monkey would call Oz "Dr. Cox". He has seen every Ernest movie, ever. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.





Wednesday, March 13, 2013

So, the Pope walks into a bar...

Hello Gentle Readers,

So, the Pope walks into a bar and says "Who do I have to bless to get a drink around here?" Except it'd be in Latin. So, he'd be all "Veni, Vidi, Vici!" (Ed. Note: I don't know Latin).

Also, I may not know what the Pope does.

In all honesty, I was thrilled to pieces that the new Pope, who is totally the first Holy Father from the New World! Only a continent and a peninsula away from being America! USA! USA! What was I saying? Ah! The new Pope took on the name of St. Francis. 

How I imagine the Pope feels. 
Note: I realize the Pope isn't a dinosaur. 
He was just born Pre-Cambrian

If I can be honest with you, I love St. Francis. I love that this was a dude who focused on helping those in need, who didn't worry about having an extra pair of shoes (because who makes that kind of commitment to a shoe!), and seriously, the world could use a few more St. Franks. 

Pictured: Neither St. Francis or the Pope. 

My first real exposure, and subsequent love of St. Frank, was actually through the music and life work of Rich Mullins. Unfortunately, much like Firefly, I didn't actually get to know the man's work when he was alive. 

Gone too soon...
 
I knew Awesome God because I was raised in the Protestant faith after 1989. That thing is like "Free Bird" of the Contemporary Christian movement. 

I Googled "Free Bird" and this came up. Google is weird. 

However, it wasn't until college that I stumbled on his work. If you have a chance, I totally recommend The World as I Remember It: Through the Eyes of a Ragamuffin. His music is at times beautiful, haunting, and brilliantly reflective, but I think the real joy came from his speeches and stories. 

“I had a professor one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'.”---Rich Mullins

And Rich loved St. Frank. I mean, seriously, he wrote a musical called Canticle of the Plains based on the man's life. Rich, like St. Frank, gave up everything to live on a Navajo reservation and teach music to children. 

It's either hilarious or sad that I can name all the cereal characters, 
and like five of the Apostles.

With all that being said, I'm super-excited that the new Pope chose, of all the names he could have picked, that of St. Francis. Hopefully he's going to be following that example, rather then, you know, choosing the name to be Hipster. 





And remember, most importantly, the immortal words of TV's Tracy Jordan: 



If you're interested in learning more about Rich Mullins and his legacy, check here

If I were Pope, I totally would have chosen the name Jobob. Seriously, that's totally a Biblical name. 


Jay Mims, unlike The Doctor, really likes pears. He has a lifelong dream of being able to play the hammered dulcimer. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Bellisario's Maxim

Hello Gentle Readers,

I've just wrapped up the latest draft of The Gray Ghost Inn, and thought I'd take a moment and bask in the joy of being a writer.

Or alternatively, I could just talk about NCIS. Yeah, I'm going to do that.


See, you got to understand, I love me some NCIS. I named everyone's favorite ABD detective Abbey partially on America's favorite perky goth.

I do a Google search for "Perky Goth" and get Salvador Dali. FTW!

But, here's the thing. That show doesn't make sense. I don't mean why five ridiculously good looking people all fight crime. That's TV, I accept that. 

Pictured: Who your Mom thinks about when reading Fifty Shades of Grey

What I can't accept is why this same group of people have to investigate every crime ever. Seriously, it's NCIS. There should be a lot less murder and a lot more property theft. 

"Someone is downloading bootlegged copies of The Walking Dead 
and only I can find out who!" Tuesday at 8

But, then again, it's a Donald P. Bellisario show. For those who don't know who that is, it's the guy who brought you JAG, Quantum Leap, Airwolf, and Magnum, P.I.
 
 And introduced the world to Jeff Mackay

Bellisario, when asked about the inner workings of how time travel works in Quantum Leap once said "Don't examine this too closely."

Just another day at the office. Nothing to see here.

Which, I'm all for. I mean, after all, should we really question why on Magnum, P.I. a man uses a billionaire's money, a fast car and an awesome helicopter to fight crime. Wait a second...




 
MIND BLOWN!
 
Jay Mims can pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time. He also owns a hat. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.






Friday, March 1, 2013

Bad plans and procrastination...



Greetings Gentle Readers, 

I should be writing right now, putting the finishing touches on The Gray Ghost Inn. Of course I’m not. Instead, I want to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. That is of course GARGOYLES. 

I want Keith David to narrate my life.

I will be the first to admit, this show pretty much defined how television should be for me. For those who didn’t watch TV in the 90s, were too old or as yet unborn, or just had better things to do, allow me to explain. 


From 1994 to 1996 my weekday afternoons were booked solid. It was the time of The Disney Afternoon.  It was the time of GARGOYLES

And Cosplay.

Granted, this was a show that featured characters named Macbeth, Demona, Oberon,  Othello, Iago, Desdemona, Oberon, Titania, and Puck. What I’m saying is this was a literary and theater nerd’s Breaking Bad

They're watching "Future Tense" right now. True story.




It really had everything you could want: interesting plots, unrequited love, statues who came to life when you weren’t looking…

Not really. But, any excuse to use this picture.

Alright, technically that last part wasn’t true, but they did come to life when the sun went down. Kind of like my brother-in-law. 

Also, I’m pretty sure they tried to cram every cast member of Star Trek: The Next Generation on the show. 

The only one pictured who didn't do a voice was Doctor Crusher. 
I'm pretty sure Patrick Stewart was the dog at some point.




And Uhura. You can never have too much Uhura. 

One of these people now rules the interwebs. Hint: It's George Takei

However, the one problem I had, and really this is minor quibbling. But, this is the internet, and what else is the internet for but nitpicking?

This was one of the top pictures for nitpicking. 
I think the internet is trying to tell me something.

So, here’s my question: The villain, Xanatos, is this not-quite-evil mastermind, who is supremely rich and always finds a way to turn every situation to his advantage. 

And rocks a ponytail like few men can.

So, what exactly was his plan with the Gargoyles?

Because, here’s the Xanatos plan, as near as I can tell: 

Step 1) Buy a castle in Scotland and move it to your skyscraper in Manhattan. Alright, New York real estate is a monster, and if I had enough money to buy a castle, I’d totally make it my base of operations in the Big Apple. Fine. 

Pictured: Step One.

Step 2) Bring the Gargoyles back to life by raising the castle “Above the clouds”. Again, if I had the money, I’d TOTALLY DO THIS! This is genius! 

How could you NOT want to hang out with these dudes?

Step 3) Befriend the Gargoyles, who naturally feel protective of your home. See, again, this works. The Gargoyles are totally BFF’s with Xanatos. This is a great plan. So far. 

You will never need ADT again.

Step 4) Fake an attack on yourself…uh, SPOILERS FOR A PLOT FROM A NINETIES TV SHOW. Xanatos hires some dudes to attack his castle, so that the Gargoyles will protect him. Because…he gets bored? Alright, fine, I’m down with this. You got money, you got winged monsters protecting you, what are you going to do, play Bingo with them?

This man does not want to play Bingo.

Step 5) Have the Gargoyles attack three bases of a technology firm.  Now, you have to understand, this isn’t having your giant stone/monster friends bust into Apple and snatch the new iPhone. Which I’d totally do. No, this company has: An airship, a skyscraper in Manhattan, and an underground base close to a subway station. Presumably for convenience. 

I like to believe somewhere on there is an Apple logo.

Step 6) Have Gargoyles steal some floppy discs and bring them back to you. Also they totally wrecked an airship. And the skyscraper. And wreaked all sorts of havoc on that subway station. So, the Gargoyles have stolen the floppy discs. What mysterious purpose would Xanatos have for those discs?

Pictured: Less memory space then your microwave.

Step 7) Build robot Gargoyles who all look like the leader, Goliath. Use the floppy disc to bring the robots online. That’s it. That’s all he needed those discs for. He puts the floppy in and boots the robots up. Seriously, this whole plan was staged because Xanatos couldn’t use Linux. 


Step 8) Attack Gargoyles using robots. Keep in mind, the Gargoyles were still loyal to Xanatos, and in fact liked hanging out, eating his food, and crashing on his couch. THERE WAS NO REASON TO PISS THEM OFF! And honestly, this step just ends with the castle getting wrecked and all the robots destroyed. 

Not Pictured: A well thought out plan.

Step 9) Profit??? Like, he ends up going to jail for receiving stolen goods. Now, I’m not sure how they explained that seven foot tall monsters jacked your floppies, but that’s not important. What’s important is that Xanatos’ plan makes absolutely no sense. 


In summary, rich people, man. They just want to spend their money on giant castles, robots, and bringing stone creatures to life. FIGHT THE 1%!


Jay Mims lives next to three Shetland ponies who only like him because he brings them carrots. He also may or may not have a passive-aggressive Dalek roommate named Steve. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.