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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Dan Landis' Top Ten Tips for Treating a Lady Right on Mother's Day

He's talked to you about Singles Awareness Day. And gave you some straight talk about dealing with Werewolves. Third time's the charm. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dan Landis.

Sorry ladies, this isn't Dan Landis. No, this is Chris Winters.

Hello Ladies, 

I'm sure you're completely unaware of this, but Mother's Day is coming up. Now, you also may not know, but I actually specialize in cheating spouses. Also, I'm a private investigator. 

Detectives are always sexy.

If there's one thing I can tell you, well me and every other idiot who wants to give a cheap plug to Ashley Madison, it's that cheating goes WAY UP after Mother's Day.

Stay classy Ashley Madison.


And I thought, maybe it's time for Uncle Danny to give some straight advice on how to treat the woman in your life right. Hold tight kids, it's going to be a wild ride. 

Dan Landis' Top Ten Tips for Treating a Lady Right....on Mother's Day

1)  Breakfast in Bed. Alright, this one is a gimme, obviously, but let's take the early morning breakfast out of the equation. Everyone loves a breakfast in bed, but you know what they'd love more? Sleeping in for once. Think about brunch in bed. Maybe late lunch. 

Trust me. French Toast and Fried Chicken can work for any meal.

2) How about Mother's Day just be her day? I'm not saying you should up and neglect the lady, because that's what the other 364 days are for. But, maybe, just maybe, you could let her have some time to herself. Maybe take the kids/pets/plants out and just let her hang around the house. Or go see a movie. Or eat at a restaurant without having to clean up after a messy eater. And the kids. 

What better way to celebrate Mother's Day then by watching a movie about a 
handsome prince who steals away your screaming baby 
and wants nothing but your happiness?

3) Do the Laundry. At the risk of alienating the entire floral industry, I can almost guarantee that freshly clean and folded laundry, all the dishes cleaned, and the house swept and mopped are way sexier then two dozen roses. You want to make your lady feel appreciated? Pick up your own socks. Just, you know, don't wash those socks with anything red. Because fading her favorite pair of hot red hiphuggers, while turning every pair of socks pink, is not going to win you points. You ain't seen crazy until you've shrank a woman's little black dress because you don't know what "Hand Wash Only" means. 

It's all well and good until she takes off those shoes and beats you with them.

4) Buy the flowers. Remember what I said just now, about how cleaning the house was worth more then two dozen roses? Yeah, you still have to get her flowers. They don't have to be roses, and if you live in the right neighborhood, you don't even have to buy them. Just have the kids jerk some flowers out of the ground.
Just, you know, make sure the KIDS do it. 
There's a fine line between lovable scamp 
and jerk who ruined the Dickerson's prized begonias.

5) It's not about you. I know this is going to be hard, but not every day can be about you. Take a moment to appreciate the special lady in your life. They don't have to be a Mom, and in fact I find Mother's Day far more enjoyable when I'm around childless women. Mostly because I don't have to worry about the little tykes busting in when I'm pulling the patented Landis Double-Twist. Because I'm a giver, and it's all about her. 

Somedays you just need to be a sloth in a swing.
6) Find the small thing. Every woman deep down wants to feel loved and appreciated. And one of the best, and easiest, ways to do that, is to find one small thing that means something to her. It can be her favorite movie, her favorite book, a photo, a song. Something. Look, you live with this woman, surely there's something special that will make her say "Aw." 

 
IT'S SO FLUFFY!

7) Take her someplace special. Here's a helpful tip not a lot of people realize. You don't have to do something ON MOTHER'S DAY! In fact, don't even plan on going out to eat. Just pick up some Little Caesar's or something. But, you can PLAN to go somewhere special. Again, remember #6, find something special that means something TO HER. Or just go to Santa Land. Yes, that's a real place. Just like I mentioned in the epic telling of my Christmas adventure.


8) Suit Up. Remember how when you were single, you looked your absolute best? Remember how that special someone found you attractive because you looked amazing? Today is the day you remind that special someone that you can, in fact, make this look good. 

9) Bring the A-Game. Look, I realize not everyone is blessed with my natural stamina, athleticism and natural charm. However, there's no reason why you can't dust off that Barry White album, open up a bottle, and for one night rock her world. Or at least tilt it to one side. Trust me, a little effort goes a long way. 

I've found that in lieu of Barry White, 
reruns of White Collar can work just as well.

10) Three little words. And let's not forget, there's always three little words that can make every woman's heart go pitter patter. If you can master these words, the world is your oyster. Those words are: Death By Chocolate. 






And speaking of  Adult Romance....Ashlynne Laynne now has three books in the Progeny Series!



Forever. For always. For Eternity.