So, the Pope walks into a bar...

Hello Gentle Readers,

So, the Pope walks into a bar and says "Who do I have to bless to get a drink around here?" Except it'd be in Latin. So, he'd be all "Veni, Vidi, Vici!" (Ed. Note: I don't know Latin).

Also, I may not know what the Pope does.

In all honesty, I was thrilled to pieces that the new Pope, who is totally the first Holy Father from the New World! Only a continent and a peninsula away from being America! USA! USA! What was I saying? Ah! The new Pope took on the name of St. Francis. 

How I imagine the Pope feels. 

Note: I realize the Pope isn't a dinosaur. 

He was just born Pre-Cambrian

If I can be honest with you, I love St. Francis. I love that this was a dude who focused on helping those in need, who didn't worry about having an extra pair of shoes (because who makes that kind of commitment to a shoe!), and seriously, the world could use a few more St. Franks. 

Pictured: Neither St. Francis or the Pope. 

My first real exposure, and subsequent love of St. Frank, was actually through the music and life work of Rich Mullins. Unfortunately, much like Firefly, I didn't actually get to know the man's work when he was alive. 

Gone too soon...

 

I knew Awesome God because I was raised in the Protestant faith after 1989. That thing is like "Free Bird" of the Contemporary Christian movement. 

I Googled "Free Bird" and this came up. Google is weird. 

However, it wasn't until college that I stumbled on his work. If you have a chance, I totally recommend The World as I Remember It: Through the Eyes of a Ragamuffin. His music is at times beautiful, haunting, and brilliantly reflective, but I think the real joy came from his speeches and stories. 

“I had a professor one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'.”---Rich Mullins

And Rich loved St. Frank. I mean, seriously, he wrote a musical called Canticle of the Plains based on the man's life. Rich, like St. Frank, gave up everything to live on a Navajo reservation and teach music to children. 

It's either hilarious or sad that I can name all the cereal characters, 

and like five of the Apostles.

With all that being said, I'm super-excited that the new Pope chose, of all the names he could have picked, that of St. Francis. Hopefully he's going to be following that example, rather then, you know, choosing the name to be Hipster. 

And remember, most importantly, the immortal words of TV's Tracy Jordan: 

If you're interested in learning more about Rich Mullins and his legacy, check here

If I were Pope, I totally would have chosen the name Jobob. Seriously, that's totally a Biblical name. 

Jay Mims, unlike The Doctor, really likes pears. He has a lifelong dream of being able to play the hammered dulcimer. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.

Bellisario's Maxim

Hello Gentle Readers,

I've just wrapped up the latest draft of The Gray Ghost Inn, and thought I'd take a moment and bask in the joy of being a writer.

Or alternatively, I could just talk about NCIS. Yeah, I'm going to do that.

See, you got to understand, I love me some NCIS. I named everyone's favorite ABD detective Abbey partially on America's favorite perky goth.

I do a Google search for "Perky Goth" and get Salvador Dali. FTW!

But, here's the thing. That show doesn't make sense. I don't mean why five ridiculously good looking people all fight crime. That's TV, I accept that. 

Pictured: Who your Mom thinks about when reading Fifty Shades of Grey

What I can't accept is why this same group of people have to investigate every crime ever. Seriously, it's NCIS. There should be a lot less murder and a lot more property theft. 

"Someone is downloading bootlegged copies of The Walking Dead 

and only I can find out who!" Tuesday at 8

But, then again, it's a Donald P. Bellisario show. For those who don't know who that is, it's the guy who brought you JAG, Quantum Leap, Airwolf, and Magnum, P.I.

 

 And introduced the world to Jeff Mackay

Bellisario, when asked about the inner workings of how time travel works in Quantum Leap once said "Don't examine this too closely."

Just another day at the office. Nothing to see here.

Which, I'm all for. I mean, after all, should we really question why on Magnum, P.I. a man uses a billionaire's money, a fast car and an awesome helicopter to fight crime. Wait a second...

 

MIND BLOWN!

 

Jay Mims can pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time. He also owns a hat. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.

Bad plans and procrastination...

Greetings Gentle Readers, 

I should be writing right now, putting the finishing touches on The Gray Ghost Inn. Of course I’m not. Instead, I want to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. That is of course GARGOYLES. 

I want Keith David to narrate my life.

I will be the first to admit, this show pretty much defined how television should be for me. For those who didn’t watch TV in the 90s, were too old or as yet unborn, or just had better things to do, allow me to explain. 

From 1994 to 1996 my weekday afternoons were booked solid. It was the time of The Disney Afternoon.  It was the time of GARGOYLES. 

And Cosplay.

Granted, this was a show that featured characters named Macbeth, Demona, Oberon,  Othello, Iago, Desdemona, Oberon, Titania, and Puck. What I’m saying is this was a literary and theater nerd’s Breaking Bad. 

They're watching "Future Tense" right now. True story.

It really had everything you could want: interesting plots, unrequited love, statues who came to life when you weren’t looking…

Not really. But, any excuse to use this picture.

Alright, technically that last part wasn’t true, but they did come to life when the sun went down. Kind of like my brother-in-law. 

Also, I’m pretty sure they tried to cram every cast member of Star Trek: The Next Generation on the show. 

The only one pictured who didn't do a voice was Doctor Crusher. 

I'm pretty sure Patrick Stewart was the dog at some point.

And Uhura. You can never have too much Uhura. 

One of these people now rules the interwebs. Hint: It's George Takei

However, the one problem I had, and really this is minor quibbling. But, this is the internet, and what else is the internet for but nitpicking?

This was one of the top pictures for nitpicking. 

I think the internet is trying to tell me something.

So, here’s my question: The villain, Xanatos, is this not-quite-evil mastermind, who is supremely rich and always finds a way to turn every situation to his advantage. 

And rocks a ponytail like few men can.

So, what exactly was his plan with the Gargoyles?

Because, here’s the Xanatos plan, as near as I can tell: 

Step 1) Buy a castle in Scotland and move it to your skyscraper in Manhattan. Alright, New York real estate is a monster, and if I had enough money to buy a castle, I’d totally make it my base of operations in the Big Apple. Fine. 

Pictured: Step One.

Step 2) Bring the Gargoyles back to life by raising the castle “Above the clouds”. Again, if I had the money, I’d TOTALLY DO THIS! This is genius! 

How could you NOT want to hang out with these dudes?

Step 3) Befriend the Gargoyles, who naturally feel protective of your home. See, again, this works. The Gargoyles are totally BFF’s with Xanatos. This is a great plan. So far. 

You will never need ADT again.

Step 4) Fake an attack on yourself…uh, SPOILERS FOR A PLOT FROM A NINETIES TV SHOW. Xanatos hires some dudes to attack his castle, so that the Gargoyles will protect him. Because…he gets bored? Alright, fine, I’m down with this. You got money, you got winged monsters protecting you, what are you going to do, play Bingo with them?

This man does not want to play Bingo.

Step 5) Have the Gargoyles attack three bases of a technology firm.  Now, you have to understand, this isn’t having your giant stone/monster friends bust into Apple and snatch the new iPhone. Which I’d totally do. No, this company has: An airship, a skyscraper in Manhattan, and an underground base close to a subway station. Presumably for convenience. 

I like to believe somewhere on there is an Apple logo.

Step 6) Have Gargoyles steal some floppy discs and bring them back to you. Also they totally wrecked an airship. And the skyscraper. And wreaked all sorts of havoc on that subway station. So, the Gargoyles have stolen the floppy discs. What mysterious purpose would Xanatos have for those discs?

Pictured: Less memory space then your microwave.

Step 7) Build robot Gargoyles who all look like the leader, Goliath. Use the floppy disc to bring the robots online. That’s it. That’s all he needed those discs for. He puts the floppy in and boots the robots up. Seriously, this whole plan was staged because Xanatos couldn’t use Linux. 

Step 8) Attack Gargoyles using robots. Keep in mind, the Gargoyles were still loyal to Xanatos, and in fact liked hanging out, eating his food, and crashing on his couch. THERE WAS NO REASON TO PISS THEM OFF! And honestly, this step just ends with the castle getting wrecked and all the robots destroyed. 

Not Pictured: A well thought out plan.

Step 9) Profit??? Like, he ends up going to jail for receiving stolen goods. Now, I’m not sure how they explained that seven foot tall monsters jacked your floppies, but that’s not important. What’s important is that Xanatos’ plan makes absolutely no sense. 

In summary, rich people, man. They just want to spend their money on giant castles, robots, and bringing stone creatures to life. FIGHT THE 1%!

Jay Mims lives next to three Shetland ponies who only like him because he brings them carrots. He also may or may not have a passive-aggressive Dalek roommate named Steve. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.