The shameless marketing of Sloths....

Hello Gentle Readers,

You know, Steve my passive-aggressive Dalek roommate pointed out to me the other day, it's been a while since I used my blog for shameless marketing. Specifically here. I may have done shameless plugs elsewhere, but Steve can't remember them. Though, to be fair, he prefers Tumblr over my blog.

And discounted sandwiches.

So, I thought "What better way to celebrate Good Friday then with shameless marketing?" This couldn't possibly be a bad idea. 

Santa Sloth approved!

I feel like everyone just knows me as that zany humor guy. The one who does all those silly photos on Facebook. But, see, I'm more then that. I'm complicated ya'll! I got four books under my belt. Well, technically they're under my suspenders, but that's because I have no butt. If I wear a belt, my pants just slip off. Instead I wear suspenders that make me look like I'm wearing clown pants. 

I also have a hammock.

 

I write murder mysteries, mostly. Well, cozy mysteries specifically. See, cozy mysteries are meant to be lighthearted and fun mysteries. I write those. This may come as a shock to you. 

This is what I imagine sloths look like driving to the store Saturday morning, 

picking up a half gallon of milk and some bananas. Sloths love bananas.

My first book The Five Santas introduces the world to private investigator Dan Landis, the smarmy detective with a heart of gold and day-glo green socks (he likes for his socks to have personality). It's in this book that Dan finds the body of Santa stuffed behind a dumpster. One body leads to another, and eventually Dan has a serious mystery on his hands. This book also introduces readers to Dan's extended family. Abbey, Dan's partner in crime, and an Art History doctoral student. Gary the police detective who has a love-hate relationship with Dan. Julianne, Dan's sister and Gary's wife, who is also the most successful defense attorney on the East Coast. And rounding out this little group are Professor Leroy "Doc" Brown, Dan's sometime traveling companion and friend, and Bernadette Wilkins, MD the only woman who can make Dan blush. 

And that's not even counting the Cowboy, the mysterious redheaded woman 

or the guy who may or may not be the real Santa Claus.

That book inevitably leads to book two The Cult of Koo Kway where Dan, while driving a grumpy hungover cowboy to jail, has a flashback to when he met Abbey. A lot of people get confused about the flashback in that book. Presumably because I didn't wave my arms around and go "Doowadup Doowadup Doowadup" and the pages get all fuzzy. That book has Dan discovering that the Gullah people are a real thing, getting beat-up a lot, and making a new friend. Both books set-up stuff for book three. 

Also, someone keeps trying to kill Dan. 

Book three is due out in the Fall. It's called The Gray Ghost Inn. I will be posting excerpts on the book as we get closer. Book four, Racing the Storm, will probably come out 2014. Because life happens. 

I don't actually have an answering machine. That voice you hear is Steve. 

He just screams my messages back at me. And then grumbles about how 

I never buy pen and paper so that he can write a message down. He grumbles a lot.

I have the plans laid out for thirteen Dan Landis books. I'm breaking it up into three four-book arcs. Plus the final book. I was going to call the final book Dan Landis and the Deaf Hollers but J.K. Rowling's lawyers said "No." Actually they didn't say anything. Steve intercepted the letter, because he's been submitting Luna/Neville slash fiction hoping to make it canon. He calls them Luville. My passive-aggressive Dalek roommate's got an OTP ya'll. 

And now you will read "My Immortal" in the voice of Steve. 

I think that I will know that I have truly made it, if someone writes Dan Landis fan fiction. Or, if I can just afford a swimming pool in the shape of Dan Landis. 

This is not Dan Landis. But, this was one of the few photos I could find

of Chris Winters with pants on. 

 

As always, I look forward to the future, to the continuing growth of my readership, and my continuing improvement as a writer. If you like what you've seen here, please feel free to tell your friends, pick up a copy of my book or send me a note. You can find me all over the interwebs. 

 

Where I chillax. 

And in conclusion, allow me to leave you with my favorite Sloth Photo. 

 

Website

   

Jay Mims owns a hat, and drinks far too much Dr. Pepper. His goal in life is to one day snuggle with a sloth, assuming that sloths snuggle. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013. Feel free to email him here. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for a regular dose of Mimsey.

Les Mimsey

Hello Gentlereaders,

So, I had some time on my hands and decided to catch up on this fun and exciting musical everyone keeps telling me about. That's right peeps, I went with Les Misérables

Pictured: Fun for the whole family

In all fairness, I was vaguely aware of what this story was about. I mean, I knew there was this guy Jean Claude Van Damme and he was being hunted by Xavier...

Not remotely true, but can you imagine that movie?

So yes, I finally saw the movie of one of the most adapted stories ever. No joke, in the last twenty-five years, there have been EIGHT MOVIES! And that's not including the ripoffs, homages, and adaptations. Including one of my favorite Terry Pratchett novels. 

So yes, I finally dreamed a dream. I hear the people sing. I saw the Castle On a Cloud. I am the Master of the House. I...something something lovely ladies. 

 This is not the wacky adventure film promised by 

having Catwoman, Gladiator and Wolverine on the poster!

About halfway through, right after Catwoman dies (spoilers?)...I began to wonder if this movie wouldn't be a whole lot better, if Wolverine and Gladiator had just admitted their love for each other. Maybe sang a little ditty, and drove off together at the end in a flying convertible....

Yeah, every time Javier opens his mouth, try not to think 

"You are the one I want! O! Oo! Ooo!"

 

Jay Mims has been singing "Master of the House" for the past twenty-four hours. He collects spores, mold and fungus. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.

 

Moving down the yellow brick road....

Hello Gentle Readers,

As you know, I really enjoy movies. Well, you may not actually know this, but since I've just told you, now you know.

And I really love any and all things related to the Wizard of Oz. Seriously, I had that movie memorized as a child, and ended up wearing out our VHS copy of the TV broadcast. Yeah, we were pirates in those days.

There are like three people in my 

audience who knows what these guys are.

And they all now have that song stuck in their head.

I even loved Return to Oz. Actually, if you've ever read the books, are a fan of esoteric films, or just want to see some good old fashioned child endangerment, you should totally watch that movie. 

Seriously, this film is like 60% crazy, 30% heartwarming

and 20% Fairuza Balk falling from high places. 

Also, I'm bad at math.

So, it was with great enthusiasm that I went to see Oz the Great and Powerful. And, if I'm being honest, I.....LOVED IT!

And would gladly see Hot Green Mila Kunis: The Movie

Actually, everyone was wonderful in that movie. I even loved the Bruce Campbell cameo. You know, that time where he was sarcastic and got beat-up. 

Clockwise from L-R: Harry Osborn, that chick from The Mummy, 

Meg and the former Mrs. Heath Ledger

There were lots of nice little touch's  for hardcore Oz fans, including cameos by the Scarecrow and the Cowardly lion, plus having the Winkies (the Oh-Wee-Oh soldiers) named.

But, seriously, if this movie had been Bruce Campbell: Sarcastic Soldier 

I would have given them ALL THE MONEY!

And the plot, while predictable, was genuinely enjoyable. There was character development, a lot of great visuals, and some logical developments as to why The Wizard does the things he does. 

And let's be honest, this isn't the first time James Franco's head 

has been completely encased in smoke.

However, for me the highlight of this flick has to be Zach Braff, who plays The Wizard of Oz's hapless assistant in Kansas, and then his monkey assistant in Oz. And he has a bell hop uniform. And he is adorable. No lie, I would have gladly watched an entire movie where Zach Braff is a monkey bellhop. Maybe pair him with a kid for maximum effect. Wait a minute...

THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!

Jay Mims was hoping at some point the monkey would call Oz "Dr. Cox". He has seen every Ernest movie, ever. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.