Friday, March 1, 2013
Bad plans and procrastination...
Greetings Gentle Readers,
I should be writing right now, putting the finishing touches on The Gray Ghost Inn. Of course I’m not. Instead, I want to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. That is of course GARGOYLES.
I want Keith David to narrate my life.
I will be the first to admit, this show pretty much defined how television should be for me. For those who didn’t watch TV in the 90s, were too old or as yet unborn, or just had better things to do, allow me to explain.
From 1994 to 1996 my weekday afternoons were booked solid. It was the time of The Disney Afternoon. It was the time of GARGOYLES.
Granted, this was a show that featured characters named Macbeth, Demona, Oberon, Othello, Iago, Desdemona, Oberon, Titania, and Puck. What I’m saying is this was a literary and theater nerd’s Breaking Bad.
They're watching "Future Tense" right now. True story.
It really had everything you could want: interesting plots, unrequited love, statues who came to life when you weren’t looking…
Not really. But, any excuse to use this picture.
Alright, technically that last part wasn’t true, but they did come to life when the sun went down. Kind of like my brother-in-law.
Also, I’m pretty sure they tried to cram every cast member of Star Trek: The Next Generation on the show.
The only one pictured who didn't do a voice was Doctor Crusher.
I'm pretty sure Patrick Stewart was the dog at some point.
And Uhura. You can never have too much Uhura.
One of these people now rules the interwebs. Hint: It's George Takei
However, the one problem I had, and really this is minor quibbling. But, this is the internet, and what else is the internet for but nitpicking?
This was one of the top pictures for nitpicking.
I think the internet is trying to tell me something.
So, here’s my question: The villain, Xanatos, is this not-quite-evil mastermind, who is supremely rich and always finds a way to turn every situation to his advantage.
And rocks a ponytail like few men can.
So, what exactly was his plan with the Gargoyles?
Because, here’s the Xanatos plan, as near as I can tell:
Step 1) Buy a castle in Scotland and move it to your skyscraper in Manhattan. Alright, New York real estate is a monster, and if I had enough money to buy a castle, I’d totally make it my base of operations in the Big Apple. Fine.
Pictured: Step One.
Step 2) Bring the Gargoyles back to life by raising the castle “Above the clouds”. Again, if I had the money, I’d TOTALLY DO THIS! This is genius!
How could you NOT want to hang out with these dudes?
Step 3) Befriend the Gargoyles, who naturally feel protective of your home. See, again, this works. The Gargoyles are totally BFF’s with Xanatos. This is a great plan. So far.
You will never need ADT again.
Step 4) Fake an attack on yourself…uh, SPOILERS FOR A PLOT FROM A NINETIES TV SHOW. Xanatos hires some dudes to attack his castle, so that the Gargoyles will protect him. Because…he gets bored? Alright, fine, I’m down with this. You got money, you got winged monsters protecting you, what are you going to do, play Bingo with them?
This man does not want to play Bingo.
Step 5) Have the Gargoyles attack three bases of a technology firm. Now, you have to understand, this isn’t having your giant stone/monster friends bust into Apple and snatch the new iPhone. Which I’d totally do. No, this company has: An airship, a skyscraper in Manhattan, and an underground base close to a subway station. Presumably for convenience.
I like to believe somewhere on there is an Apple logo.
Step 6) Have Gargoyles steal some floppy discs and bring them back to you. Also they totally wrecked an airship. And the skyscraper. And wreaked all sorts of havoc on that subway station. So, the Gargoyles have stolen the floppy discs. What mysterious purpose would Xanatos have for those discs?
Pictured: Less memory space then your microwave.
Step 7) Build robot Gargoyles who all look like the leader, Goliath. Use the floppy disc to bring the robots online. That’s it. That’s all he needed those discs for. He puts the floppy in and boots the robots up. Seriously, this whole plan was staged because Xanatos couldn’t use Linux.
Step 8) Attack Gargoyles using robots. Keep in mind, the Gargoyles were still loyal to Xanatos, and in fact liked hanging out, eating his food, and crashing on his couch. THERE WAS NO REASON TO PISS THEM OFF! And honestly, this step just ends with the castle getting wrecked and all the robots destroyed.
Not Pictured: A well thought out plan.
Step 9) Profit??? Like, he ends up going to jail for receiving stolen goods. Now, I’m not sure how they explained that seven foot tall monsters jacked your floppies, but that’s not important. What’s important is that Xanatos’ plan makes absolutely no sense.
In summary, rich people, man. They just want to spend their money on giant castles, robots, and bringing stone creatures to life. FIGHT THE 1%!
Jay Mims lives next to three Shetland ponies who only like him because he brings them carrots. He also may or may not have a passive-aggressive Dalek roommate named Steve. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013.