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Monday, April 22, 2013

Dan Landis' Top Ten Tips for Being a Werewolf: Brought to you by the Into the Light blog tour

Back by popular demand, here is the one and only Dan Landis.

This is not Dan Landis. This is Kendal Tuttle. He is awesome!

Hello Ladies, 

I want to talk to you about something important. Something vital. Something that affects all of us. I'm of course talking about Werewolves.

Dan Landis' Top 10 Tips for Being a Werewolf

1) Know that you're a werewolf. If G.I. Joe has taught us anything, it's that knowing is half the battle. 

And that women in glasses are hot. And probably evil.

So, it's very important to know whether or not you're a werewolf. See, for a certain segment of the population, for a couple of days every month they undergo certain changes. They might get a little angrier, a bit more unmanageable. They might even bite your head off if you get too close. 

A perfectly natural change. 

If this has happened to you or someone you know, well, I have good news. This is entirely manageable. 

Is this the face of a man who would lie to you? Also this is Chris Winters.

2) Be Prepared. Look, being a werewolf, or lycanthropy to use the five dollar word, is a perfectly natural and very common condition. With a little bit of thinking, planning, and attention this is entirely manageable. But you got to BE PREPARED!

And you will now have that song stuck in your head.

I know quite a few werewolves. They are perfectly wonderful people three weeks out of the month, and then someone flips the crazy switch. Trust me, I got my phone programmed with a reminder. You need to brace yourself and those you love for the fun times that are a coming. 

"What do you mean we're out of Nutella?" Trust me, werewolves love Nutella!

3) Have your emergency kit ready. Fellas, believe me, you want to have an emergency kit ready when dealing with a werewolf. I find that a week's worth of chocolate, a bottle of wine, and a romantic movie are always the way to go. 

This flick has saved more lives then an EpiPin.

4) Keep calm. If there's one thing that will always be helpful when dealing with a werewolf, it's to stay calm. Keep your voice low and soothing, be gently supportive, and never let them see you sweat.

They can smell fear. Also aftershave. You may want to skip the extra splash.

5) Distract them! If there's one thing I have learned about werewolves, its that they can turn on a dime. So, use that to your advantage. Change the conversation, ask how that diet is going, or if all else fails jingle your keys in front of them.

6) Leave them alone. I often find that when in doubt, leaving a werewolf alone is the best course of action. They can rest comfortably with a heating pad, and you can avoid having your throat ripped out. Everyone wins. Just, you know, don't leave them too long. I once left a werewolf alone in my apartment, and when I came back all my clothes were burning in my living room. Granted, I had been out with her sister, but still. 

"Why do you never CALLAOOOOH!!!!"

7) Drugs are your friend. Now, I'm not suggesting you play the "Does this rag smell like chlorophorm?" game, but there are certain drugs that do wonders for werewolves. It's a bit trial and error, but when in doubt consult a physician. 

Or just skip to the old standby.

8) Know your surroundings. You may want to sit down for this, because I 've got some bad news. When two or more werewolves are around each other for extended amounts of time, they tend to sync up. You have to understand this, especially if you're the only non-werewolf in the office. It's important to always be aware of your surroundings. And bring enough chocolate for everyone.

It's all fun and games until you run out of Godiva. 

9) Practice active listening. Here's a piece of advice from an old hand: Werewolves just want someone to understand them. Even crazy people need someone to talk to. And if you're a werewolf, make sure you have someone you can rely on to be your friend. Maybe even a snuggle monkey.

Friendship can be found in unlikely places.
10) Never underestimate the power of a good book. You can never go wrong with snuggling up to a good book. Well, besides snuggling up to me.
Ladies. This is not Dan Landis. This is Justin Tully

Hey, did you know you can shop on Amazon directly from Twitter? Click here to find out how!

And speaking of good books...

A vicious serial killer is on the loose in Wisconsin and it's up to the Admiral's Elite to stop him. Admiral Black's second in command, Captain Michael Rossi, has been tasked with finding out who or what the killer is and put an end to his reign of bloodshed while avoiding some pitfalls of his own. Like hiding the fact that he's falling in love with Becca from the admiral who would be sure to use it against them. Ghosts from Gabrielle's past threaten her place with her unit and Ryan's bed.

Local police are puzzled and the town is terrified. The Admiral's Elite must find a killer, stop him without anyone finding out their true identities, and not be torn apart in the process.

HK Savage has been a voracious reader of anything she could get her hands on going back to the second grade when she would set her alarm two hours early to read before school. 

Her passion for the written word has continued and flowed into writing going back nearly as far. Her books have fans in twenty countries on six continents with hopes of attracting attention on Antarctica if for no other reason than to check a box.

Currently, HK is a mother, wife and black belt in Karate as well as an avid dressage rider. Her three dogs: a Doberman puppy and two ancient Doxies keep her busy when she is not writing or working.

HK has been an editor for several newsletters over the years, her favorite being for Heifer International where her ideas were put into effect and complimented by those on high. Currently her editing skills, honed for nearly a decade in advertising media, have been focused on her peers and clients in the writing world as Founder and Editor in Chief of Staccato Publishing and new digital imprint, Darkest Night Publishing.

Paranormal is a favorite genre as well as science fiction and the possibilities we have not yet realized. Her favorite premise: "what if?"

Got books everywhere! And guest blogs here!

 And hey, HK Savage is even donating some books for a good cause! I mean, so is Jay Mims, but he isn't the author that looks like Aunt Becky from Full House.

This woman gave me completely unrealistic 
expectations for the sexual appeal of a mullet.

Jay Mims is saving up to buy a sai, and can pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time . He lives with a passive-aggressive Dalek named Steve, and may have a cat named Eartha Kitty. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013. Feel free to email him here. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for a regular dose of Mimsey.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Why Jurassic Park is really about GIRL POWER!

Hello Gentle Readers,

So, I saw Jurassic Park in IMAX 3D.

The only way to truly see sexy Jeff Goldbloom

And I loved it. This may come as a surprise to you, but I always loved Dinosaurs. I had a four foot inflatable T-Rex as a child. At least, until it's unfortunate placement directly above an air vent led to little Mimsey awakening to a rocking dinosaur in the corner. After that it was no longer inflated. 

I also saw every episode of Dino Riders
Because if there's one thing that dinosaurs need, it's lasers.

But, I couldn't help but notice how the real message of Jurassic Park is GIRL POWER! 

Seriously, if the Velociraptors had started singing about being truly outrageous
I wouldn't have been surprised.

And I'm sure you're asking yourself why. Or possibly wondering how many 80s references I can incorporate into this blog post. But, let's take a moment to consider which of the nine featured characters actually accomplish something. 

Sorry Law & Order fans, but Dr. Huang does exactly zilch. 

So who saves the day? Who exactly manages to rescue everyone on the island? Who specifically is the real hero of this movie? I'll give you a hint, it's the other character that wears tiny, tiny shorts. 

No lie, I have boxers longer then those shorts. 

I'm of course talking about Dr. Ellie Sattler, PaleoBotanist. 

Seen here falling for Sexy Jeff Goldbloom

So, after Newman manages to crash the entire system, Samuel L. Jackson ends up being tired of these melonfarming snakes on this melonfarming plane. Wait, no, scratch that, it's dinosaurs. Definitely dinosaurs. And he decides to do something about it.

Seen here, advising the audience about grasping posteriors. 

Except, all he does is turn everything off and back on again. And, if I'm being honest, I kind of think maybe a multi-billion dollar theme park might have a better solution then just Switch Off/Switch On. Like seriously, that's what I do! THEY ARE TAKING A PAGE OUT OF THE MIMSEY TECH SUPPORT MANUAL!

Now, after they turn everything off, who exactly ends up turning the thing back on? Spoiler alert: it's not Samuel L. Jackson. 

From L-R: Lady who turns the power back on, girl who turns locks back on,
 boy who didn't realize he could totally fit through that fence.

And let's even look at our male hero. 

Seen here demonstrating the proper way to deal with adolescent girls. 

Now, please don't misunderstand me, Dr. Grant is AWESOME. He faces off against the T-Rex, scares the crap out a kid within five minutes of his first appearance, and manages to keep two incompetent children EVER alive. Seriously, those two kids, shout, get electrocuted, and turn on a giant flashlight. They might as well have waved their arms going "EAT ME! EAT ME!" But, here's the thing. He starts out as a manly man, what with his hat and obvious bonding with Sexy Jeff Goldbloom. 

But, just like bananas, Dr. Grant goes soft. Grant's entire character development arc centers on 
1) Him becoming more paternal to the kids and 2) Him giving up on digging up dinosaurs. No, really. Remember when he tosses away that raptor claw, the one he used to scare that fat kid? That's him letting go of everything. At the least, he is sacrificing his preconceptions and embracing the now. And quite possibly sacrificing his career to become a parent. GRANT IS A STAY-AT-HOME-MOM!

It's hard to see, but Nedry is drinking Jolt. I'm not even sure if they make Jolt anymore. 

So, basically what I'm saying is: Jurassic Park is awesome. The idea that this flick is promoting Girl Power is equally awesome. And if I'm being honest, I can quote Jurassic Park almost as much as I can quote The Princess Bride. A movie that tells young men everywhere, if you just do what a woman wants long enough, she'll eventually love you.

Jay Mims can quote all the lyrics of "Denver the Last Dinosaur", and actually knows what inconceivable means . He also likes Jurassic Park 2 & 3, even if no one else does. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013. Feel free to email him here. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for a regular dose of Mimsey.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I (may) have a cat....

Hello Gentle Readers,

I may have made a terrible mistake.

See, a while back my passive-aggressive Dalek roommate Steve, let me know that a stray cat was hanging around. Actually, what he said was, "THERE IS A CAT! IT MEOWS! EXTERMINATE!"

This was Steve's Halloween costume. 

And see, that's when the trouble really began. Because, and this may come as a complete shock to you, but I have a thing for animals. 

Oh sure, they're all smiles and happy expressions now. 
But just wait until they order weird PPV's and eat all your pizza rolls.

So, I went out, saw this little cat, and gave it a can of tuna. It's who I am. 

I am vengeance. I am the night. I am SOAKING MY CARES AWAY!

And naturally, the cat came back. Actually, it hid under my car and came rushing to me the next morning. And then waited for me to get home that night. I loved it. It was great. Not even Steve does that. 

Pictured: Steve's natural habitat

And then the cat started coming inside. I didn't invite it in. It just came over. Like that ex-girlfriend who just wants to "talk". And what was even weirder, the cat wanted to snuggle, too. 

It was about then that I started to get worried. See, I'm not that great at maintaining relationships. I had a pet rock for a while, until it ran away. And now, I had somehow acquired a cat. A cat that wouldn't leave. Who just wanted to cuddle, and ask me about my day, and maybe poop in my shoes when she got bored. 

Those shoes have seen some things, man. 

And of course, I couldn't just not take care of this cat. I mean seriously, it was homeless. And hungry. And adorable. I called her Eartha Kitty. 

For reasons best left unexplained. 

And then I talked to my neighbors. See, I'm not one to talk to my neighbors, given that I'm not legally required to introduce myself to them. 


So, it was with great trepidation that I spoke to my next door neighbor. They had a dog. Two dogs actually. Well, three dogs total, and a pig. My neighbors are a bit complicated.

They built a boat. 

And APPARENTLY, they also own several cats. One of which is an adorable black and white kitty they call Boots. Who looks suspiciously like Eartha Kitty. So much so that when I stared at the cat, it looked down shamefully. I'd been scammed ya'll. 

The cat also beat all my HALO high-scores.

So now, I just ignore Eartha Kitty. Oh, I may pet her every now and then, maybe call it a good kitty. But, I definitely do not own a cat. Steve, on the other hand...

Jay Mims has seen every episode of "Golden Girls", and can do a near perfect impression of Shaggy from "Scooby Doo". His current goal is to find Carmen Sandiego. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His next book "The Gray Ghost Inn" is due out Fall 2013. Feel free to email him here. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for a regular dose of Mimsey.