Hello Gentle Readers,
July 2013, I went a little mad and did Twelve Days of Mimsey. One of the wonderfully kind people who hosted me on their blog sites was The Forgetful North Carolinian.
This is him.
Looking way better in a hat than I could hope to.
So, since I've gone a little mad (again) I thought I'd share with you the post I wrote for everyone's favorite Amnesiac Tar Heel.
Santa Clause: A Mimsey Review...
So, for the record, The Forgetful One is one of my
top 3 favorite Scotsmen. The other two being David Tennant and John Barrowman.
However, I have to mock him a wee
bit. See, when I asked him what post he’d like I said “Since your blog focuses
on movies, how about I review a Christmas film. Your choice: Miracle on 34thStreet (Classic), Santa Claus The Movie, or Ernest Saves Christmas?”
Not even joking, one of my all-time favorite Christmas flicks.
To which he replied “Santa Claus The Movie? You mean, The Santa Clause (legal
pun) starring Tim Allen?? If so, Tim Allen!!!”
I just don’t have the heart to tell him this is
a real thing.
One day I will review this film. And it will be GLORIOUS!
Truly a god among men. Also insert Captain
Hammer joke.
Some background here, I actually remember seeing
this film when it first came out in theatres in 1994. This was pretty much the
high-period for Tim Allen, as he also released his first book around this time.
So, this flick ended up being #1 at the box office
meaning that Allen had a #1 New York Times
bestseller, a #1 hit show with HomeImprovement and a #1 hit film. 1994 was a good year for the Tool Man.
Also, who knew in 2014 John Travolta
would be the most relevant cast member.
The flick opens with what has to be the best
Christmas party short of Die Hard as
Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) has just had a very successful run with a line of
toys. Yes, SC the Toymaker.
Look, you want subtlety and nuance in 1994 go
The
only downside is that Tim Allen, yes I know that's not his character's
name, but screw it: the guy grunts, barks, and acts a fool…this is Tim
Allen
ya’ll. So, Tim “The Tool” Allen has been neglecting his son, Charlie,
played by
Eric Lloyd. For a minute there I did a double-take to check to make sure
this
wasn’t the kid from Episode I. It
isn’t, but I do admire the guy for agreeing to play the same character in both Santa Clause sequels.
More work than this dude.
Pretty sure I saw that face on a milk carton.
So, Charlie is dropped off at his father’s house by
Mom and Stepfather, because apparently Tim’s wife found a better tool.
And that tool’s name is Judge “I’m game for Beverly Hills Cop 4” Reinhold.
Photographed here outside Phoebe Cates house.
The Mom is played by a lady who I thought was the
same Mom from Mrs. Doubtfire. It’s not, but I do give the lady props for
murdering Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son.
Uh, spoilers.
It’s Christmas Eve and Tim Allen proves the case for
sole custody as he nearly burns the house down in an attempt to make dinner,
and then takes Charlie to the apparent home for all divorcee dads, Denny’s. No,
seriously, there’s like three other dad’s at this restaurant, all in various shades of injury. Are we just
proving all men are incompetent at cooking?
After a wonderful meal of whatever the Japanese
businessmen, who apparently think doing business in America on Christmas Eve is
a swell idea, aren’t eating, it’s back to Casa De La Tool Man. The story is
appropriately “Twas The Night Before Christmas” because obviously a Santa Claus
story is not going to have ANY bearing on future events.
This was also the year Dumb and Dumber came out.
It was a different time is what I'm saying.
Tim's asked to explain what “There arose such a
clatter” means, because that’s what the kid from a broken home is going to ask
about. The obvious plot convenience. Certainly not “When are you and Mommy
going to get back together so I can get away from the Tool?”
Pictured here, after being asked to put $20 in the Douchebag Jar.
It’s off to bed! When suddenly, and I know this will
be a surprise to you, THERE IS A CLATTER! Charlie wakes up his dad, and Father
and Son immediately rush out to see why a noise is on the roof. Because THAT’S
the best idea. Not call the cops. Not turn on some lights. Nope, stroll into
the snow in your boxers.
I'm not saying this is what's waiting for them,
I'm just saying it MIGHT BE!
And for the record, I got this after doing a Google search
for “Santa
Clause Tim Allen underwear”. Just putting it out there.
Tim Allen surprises a man on the roof…look, I’m just
going to jump in here and say it. Tim Allen kills Santa. There’s no other way
to explain this, and I hate even saying it. Yes, I wrote a murder mystery about
someone killing not one but MULTIPLE Santas, and I still find the idea
troubling.
So, The Tool Man kills Santa, climbs onto the roof,
and finds Santa’s sleigh. With Charlie’s encouragement, Tim then takes the suit
(Santa conveniently disappears, because murder is always better when there’s no
body), and jacks Santa’s ride. He then wears the suit and has to start
delivering the toys. Like Highlander, after Tim takes Santa's head, he gains his power. Cue the music!
It’s going to be better for all of us if you
just roll with it.
After spending the night delivering the toys, Tim is
taken back to the North Pole where he meets that dude from Numb3rs.
For the stoners he’s also that guy from Harold & Kumar. For the geeks he’s
Mr. Universe from Serenity. For the
stoner geeks he’s that guy from Harold& Kumar.
Bernard the Elf (played by the ruggedly handsome
David Krumholtz), explains to Tim that he is now under contract for the rest of
his natural life, bound by an iron-clad clause to work for a sinister and
mysterious organization that solely wants to move product to the unwitting
children of the world.
Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
Tim gets a pair of pajamas and is allowed to sleep
off his shock, while also being hit on by an elf who, up until I looked her up,
I would have sworn was Angela from Bones.
If only.
The next morning The Tool Man awakens thinking it’s
all a bad dream. OR IS IT! Over the next few months, Tim starts to gain weight,
grow a beard, and isolate himself from his friends.
And is subsequently fat-shamed by someone who confuses
washboard abs with quality parenting.
Tim’s slow and inevitable transformation into Santa
Claus (or George R.R. Martin) begins to worry his wife, played by Wendy Crewson
who, HOLY SNIKEYS WAS IN AIR FORCEONE!!!!
This is George R. R. Martin finding out he gets
lobster AND to meet Harrison Ford.
Or just lobster. Either way, that is a happy
looking dude.
So, like the sensible and loving parent, she
yanks visitation from Tim Allen like a magician with a table cloth. Around
Thanksgiving Scott drops by to see his son, which is kind of a surprise because
he doesn’t really seem like that great of a Dad. This just makes Charlie love
him more, shockingly, and it’s Charlie’s undying love that spurs Tim Allen to
accept his role as Santa Claus. Sexy David Krumholtz shows up to whisk The Tool
Man and Charlie off to the North Pole.
Because this is the face of a man you should
trust around small children.
The kidnapping of her son leads to Mom calling the
police, as you should, and leads to the HILARIOUS set-up of everyone gunning
for Santa Claus.
And was commemorated in a dazzling Christmas light show.
This leads to Santa being put into jail, the elves
having to rescue him, and Tim Allen having a pretty emotional moment with his
son. In all honesty, the ending, specifically when Santa convinces Mom and her
new boy toy that he is the real deal, is probably one of my favorite moments in
Christmas movies. Santa delivers presents to Mom and Judge Reinhold, and we
fade out on the man blowing a weenie.
If you blow hard enough, Eddie Murphy will show up
to make Beveryly Hills Cop IV
There’s a cute button with the kid summoning his
dad back thanks to a magic snow globe, and father and son ride off into the
night to make millions of children happy!
At least until the sequels.
All kidding aside, I love this flick. I love Tim
Allen, I love the family dynamic, and I didn’t even mention Peter Boyle as The
Tool Man’s boss. Mostly because the guy is completely forgettable in the role.
I just like to pretend Tim’s talking to one of Boyle’s many much better roles.
Pictured here telling Raymond "Holy crap! Fire bad!"
There’s a ton of deep stuff regarding fatherhood,
the impact divorce has on family, and on the role of a man in modern society.
There are some truly sweet moments, a lot of heart, and a fairly good
performance from everyone involved. Even if it didn’t star Michaela Conlin.
Seriously? Missed opportunity!
Jay Mims is a great wingman, believes in
miracles, and has a life ambition of casting The Forgetful North Carolinian in
a movie. He accidently adopted his neighbor’s cat, who he named Eartha Kitty,
has a love-hate relationship with a lizard named Bob, and may have adopted a
second cat Meowthezar. Jay lives with The Mimsus and a passive-aggressive Dalek named Steve. He writes books
and is far funnier on Facebook then in real
life. He is terrible at Twitter.
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