Follow by Email

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dan Landis' Five Top Tips On Relationships (As Taught By Monsters)

Hello Gentle Readers,

So, I took a girl to see Beauty and the Beast the stage show recently. Because if there's one thing chicks love, it's getting to wear fancy digs and go out on the town.

And if you can take her dancing, you have it MADE!

And, I was going to write up an article about the whole experience since it worked so well in the past. But, then I ended up having the following conversation with fictional character Dan Landis

This is not Dan Landis.This is Chris Winters.
He makes this look good.

DAN LANDIS: Hey buddy! What's new with you?
ME: Oh, you know, just got done watching Beauty and the Beast
DAN: That's great, listen Abbey's coming over and I was hoping you still had my Barry White albu....Wait, what? The TV show with Ron Pearlman?
ME: No. The musical.
DAN: Ron Pearlman's in a musical?
ME: No.

So, in keeping with the proud tradition of the SINGLE MOST POPULAR BLOG POST I"VE EVER WRITTEN here's the one and only Dan Landis.

He rocks the popped collar. Also, this isn't Dan Landis either.
This is Justin Tully. He also makes this look good.

Hello Ladies, 

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that relationships can be a real minefield. You like her. She likes you. You get caught with her sister. Just all sorts of hassles. I've talked before about finding someone and keeping that special someone happy. But, I want to touch base on what you, personally, can do to improve your relationship. Why? Because I'm a giver. 

For instance, I make a great breakfast. 
In fact, why don't I make it for you tomorrow?

So, before a certain strawberry-blonde PhD. comes in here and smacks my head, here's my top ten tips on having a better relationship. 


If BeyoncĂ© has taught us anything, it's that if you like it then you should put a ring on it. Trust me, that wonderful person you've been staring longingly at isn't going to ask themselves out. Know your type, know what you want, and go for it. Worst case scenario, they'll say no. 
 Best case scenario, John Barrowman will 
dance at your wedding in shiny pants.


 If you can pull off a cape, you can do anything.

Trust me, if you want to start feeling your best, you're going to have to dress your best. And you know what the sexiest thing is you can wear? Confidence. 

Or just a great pair of shoes. 


It's okay buddy, the hairy look is in.

Now, I realize you're saying "It's easy for you to say, you're already perfect." And all I have to say is, "Why thank you." But, seriously, if there's one thing I've learned over the year's, it's that chicks dig a project. 

For instance, this guy has commitment issues.


Who wants a hug?

The fastest way to becoming a better potential partner is to learn how to set aside selfishness. It's not just about you. You have to learn how to deal with another person. And remember, giving begins at home. 

Just make sure to lay down a towel. Giving is great, but if you get massage oil 
on her Egyptian Cotton you're going to be getting something you may not want.


Put in a nice breakfast nook overlooking the garden. 

If you really want to find a great relationship, you're going to have to give yourself some stability. Everybody needs some place to call home, and unless you're looking for a one-night stand, you need to be ready to settle down. And if you are looking for a one-night stand, give me a call. And someone just chunked a book at my head. 

It was this one. 

Alright kids, that's all the time Uncle Dan has to dish advice. I got to go calm down a hot-tempered Art History major. Trust me, you don't want someone who owns a double ended stylus staying mad at you. And remember, if all else fails, be obscenely wealthy.

It's a lot easier to woo the woman of your dreams when you can give her an entire library. 
And own a castle. And can take her dancing in your own private ballroom. 
Geez, I'd marry this dude. 

Dan Landis' latest adventure, The Gray Ghost Inn is available now

Jay Mims is currently shopping for a cape. He lives with a passive-aggressive Dalek named Steve, a lizard named Bob, feeds a cat he calls Eartha Kitty and recently rescued a kitten named Meowleficient. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. Feel free to email him here.


  1. You are hilarious, wise too. You discovered that a woman likes that kind of man with commitment issues. Kindly forward his number. Thanks, Jay.

    New follower. Don't know why I didn't find this treasure trove earlier.

    1. I'm stoked beyond belief to have you here and enjoying the blog!

  2. Aloha Jay-Dan :)

    New follower, too - courtesy of that hilarious cheaters guide on Liz Seckman's blog.

    Excellent choices - er, not that I would know, or need to know - or want to know... ahhh jeez, where did this hole come from ... gotta go....

    1. Mahalo Mark! Thanks for the reading and I hope you'll continue to enjoy the blog!