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Sunday, July 13, 2014

Eleven Things You Learn Growing Up In South Carolina...

Hello Gentle Readers,

For those that don't know, I'm originally from the Palmetto state. Since I'm doing this Twelve Days of Mimsey thing, I thought, why not share with you some important things I've learned growing up in South Cackalacky.

Eleven Things You Learn Growing Up In South Carolina...

1) Birds Are Evil





If it's not divebombing bluejays, hissing geese, or chatterbox guinea hens, it's roosters. Not only will roosters straight up chase you down, but they also have no problem crowing at any hour of the day. Like, whoever started the whole "Roosters crow at dawn" wasn't paying attention to these jokers crowing at every single hour, nonstop. Usually sounding like someone is choking them at the same time. And that's not even covering the Canadian Geese. They are literally the most aggro thing to come out of Canada ever. And, don't get me started on buzzards. Yeah, they're super helpful, but there's nothing creepier then coming home to this:




2) Not All BBQ Was Created Equal





For those that don't know, there are multiple kinds of BBQ. There are multiple kinds of SOUTH CAROLINA BBQ. According to the South Carolina Barbeque Association (no, really) there are four types of BBQ in America, and SC has ALL FOUR. That's a lot of BBQ.


That's no moon...

3) There is no definitive accent
Designing Women lied to you. 

There is no definitive South Carolina accent. You've got Upstate, Lowcountry, Midlands, and Gaffney. You might recognize Gaffney as the place where Kevin Spacey is theoretically from in House of Cards. Let me assure you, that is not how someone from Gaffney sounds. Yosemite Sam is how someone from Gaffney sounds.

Also, they have a peach. 
That looks like nothing butt a peach. 

4) "Town" is a destination


And chances are, you'll cross at least one railroad track

No joke, I grew up fifteen minutes from the nearest gas station. Wal-Mart was another ten minutes away (give or take). Basically, if you wanted to go somewhere, you had to plan in advance. I'm pretty sure I didn't get my license for freedom, I got it because my parents didn't want to take half an hour just to get milk. 


And milk...

And speaking of bread and milk....

5) Three Inches Of Snow Brings The Apocalypse

The horror. 
The horror. 

There are three important things that happen with even a light dusting of snow: 
1) People forget how to drive
2) School is totally cancelled
3) Everyone must buy ALL the bread and milk....

ALL OF IT!

6) Parades Are ALWAYS The Answer

I'm not entirely sure what the question is. 

It doesn't matter what the occasion, there is never a bad time for a parade. All you need is some horses, tractors, fire trucks and an absurd amount of ATVs. These are all things very easily found in your average SC town. 

And if push comes to shove, just throw on a silly
hat and pretend you belong. 
It's how I get through life. 

7) Everybody's A Multitasker
For instance, this guy's also a dentist. 
Seriously, everyone has at least two jobs. They might be a mechanic and firefighter, proctologist and baker, and farmer and brain surgeon. The point is, no one ever just does one thing. I mean, I teach, am a filmmaker and a writer, and I'm pretty sure that's mostly because I'm from South Carolina. 
Pretty sure this guy's from Gaffney. 

8) Football Is Serious Business

Very serious. 

You can't bother planning stuff on most Saturdays in the fall, and forget getting anything done on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Now, this focuses on college football, because college football is serious business. And marching bands are AWESOME!


9) Bugs!!!!

 I can't even...

I hate bugs. Like, I don't have anything against them personally, but UGH! And apparently I live in Bugville, population 1 BAZILLION. If it's not spiders, it's crickets, or ladybugs or gnats or wasps. And don't even get me started on the palmetto bugs. There is only one solution to palmetto bugs. 





10) South Of The Border




If you've been on I-95 between Miami and New York, you've probably seen at least one billboard for this place. And folks, it's not only real it's glorious. Well, it exists at least. So, there's that. 


Yep, a sombrero on top of a tower. 
Welcome to South Carolina folks. 

11) Kudzu Is A Supervillain
This is kudzu. 
It is evil. 

Kudzu is a Japanese plant that was brought to South Carolina to combat erosion. The good news is, it worked. 

Not pictured: Erosion

Yep, this super-fast growing plant has completely taken over and is nigh-unkillable. It grows over anything standing still, chokes out the native plant life and makes the landscape look like the greenest apocalypse ever. 

And yet, no erosion!

Stay tuned tomorrow as we wrap up the Twelve Days of Mimsey!


On the first day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: My Favorite Santa Claus!

On the second day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: A Labyrinth And David Bowie!

On the third day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Three Crocodile Dundee movies!

On the fourth day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Four Books Are Written!

On the fifth day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Five Awesome Ensembles!

On the sixth day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Six Santas And A Movie!

On the seventh day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: The Seven Best Fictional Phones!

On the eight day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Eight Ladies Writing!

On the ninth day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Nine Songs Randomly Singing!
On the tenth day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Ten Goals To Be A Better PERSON!
On the eleventh day of Mimsey, my true love gave to me: Eleven Things Learned From SC!

Jay Mims writes books, blogs, and thinks we should all do some KARAOKE! Jay lives with The Mimsus, a semi-adopted cat named Eartha Kitty, a lizard named Bob and a passive-aggressive Dalek named Steve. Jay is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter.  Jay now has a website.

4 comments:

  1. KILL ALL THE PALMETTO BUGS! A lot of these things are true about NC, too (although our accents include mountain people, your basic nc southern, and transplanted New Yorker--YANKEES, YANKEES EVERYWHERE), but oh my gosh, South of the Border LOL. No. Just no. You can keep that place and all of it's 2 million crazy billboards.

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  2. Sorry about the geese. We don't like them either. They're very rude, especially for Canadians.

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    1. It's OK, I think they've migrated permanently, and have picked up filthy American habits.

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